notice for those who would like to book N. Reg Mother

So it is my old friend and fellow Wotanologist Bernard Madoff has been slung into debtor’s prison, as another follower of Wotanology Richard Madeley protests his innocents on radio 4 regarding that heist he tried to pull on Sainsbury’s. I have also had many brushes with law and have done a spell in a Turk chokey and Bangkok clink before now, let me tell you dear reader.

I may get leather biker’s jackets printed up for the Church, with gang colours printed up on them with the chapter written underneath.

But this is all by the by dear reader, with Madeley on Desert Island Disk it shant be long before all manner of media ruffians trapes a path to my door and seek me as a guest on their sleazy programs.

Here’s a list what I absolutely demand be waiting for in my dressing room for those seeking to hire me for enlivening their programs or evening events:

48 sticks of butter, 6 packs of Charmin Kitchen towels, 8 packs of D-cell batteries, 6 bottles of Nigerian cooking wine, 2 bottles of Tramp Trawler whiskey-like drink, the bra section of Little woods catalogue, a chimpanzee, 8 pounds of chocolate, a plump rumped rent boy, 6 boxes of Viagra, 12 pounds of marijuana, a bottle of pure lysergic acid, twice the amount of amphetamines you deem appropriate for human consumption, a pair of nipple tassels, a single rubber glove, a Japanese gentleman and a used 10 pound note.

These demands are none negotiable.