Restaurant review - Lidl

Chez Lidl,
Edward Street, Brighton

The ambience at Lidl was intriguingly stifling and one is instantly reminded of what Gropecunt Lane was like two-hundred years ago. A fight broke out between two of the patrons as I was about to commence a perambulation of the isles. Two, what I took for females - only because of the pendulous breasts they were sporting – weighing in at around 350 lbs a piece, began to square off to each other in a most colourful fashion. One was a hunchbacked crone with, dirt coloured hair which hung like wet string fro her visibly irritated scalp. T’other had rather long, luxutious blond hair but this was spoiled by the lump of pustule infested meat which looked as if a navvy had spent the day beating it with a shovel, which it framed.
After enjoying them wallop each other and screeching “ave that yeaow kant” at one another, I decided to continue on my culinary voyage. Oh foodies beware, Lidl has one or two surprises in stock for the refined pallet at prices which will keep your wallet delighted as well as your lower intestines. Exotic variations of spam fritters, Turkish hotdogs, dry frozen prunes served in industrial grade syrup fresh from Serbia and a wonderfully intriguing dish which rejoices under the name “canned meat – origins unknown”. What surprises does it hide, one wonders. Even if one is an expert on all things food, such as I, one never fails to receive a gastric education at Lidl. For example I was up until know completely unaware that fillet de porc is as and as thick as man’s arm and even has an elbow joint in it.
I decided to select from the menu and then dine in the wonderfully decedent car park area al fresco. Starter was a wholesome chicken and bacon sandwich. The chicken was nice and dry and has the same consistency as halva. The bacon? stiff as a board and you could’ve used it great nutmeg, delicious. Du pain managed to be both soggy, stale and stiff all at the same time, hats off to the chef, and for some reason there was evidence of a smear of marmite in mine. Are they experimenting, one wonders.
Main was a simple Peppered Steak Slice al a Ginsters, followed by just as simple, but wonderfully done vanilla pudding. The pudding had a strange biological smell and quality to it that I had not been expecting, and give it quite a kick, yummy. This was all washed down by a bottle or two of Chateau a la Shite budget Nigerian Cooking Wine 2010. The bill came to £6.15. I would have gladly paid double that for this deliciously enticing meal of mystery.